And last night I had done something I never thought I would do. I write a blog about relationships. In this blog I try to be as honest as I can be about myself, and as honest as I can be about how I or other people might behave within relationships. I have always known of course that I would be nowhere near perfect – as he would not be – as he certainly is not (my mind threatened to wander again along that angry road – but I reined it in.) I have always tried to honestly anticipate just what I might be capable of doing, or of being. However, I never, never imagined in a million years that I could ever snipe at my husband. Yes, yesterday, instead of arguing cleanly and neatly, as I have always prided myself on doing, and instead of postponing the argument until I was feeling calmer as I actually could have done, in that I had been in full control of my emotions, instead of these two sensible options I had actually walked knowingly and deliberately into the argument and I had actually sniped at him, flinging a few of his weaknesses straight at him. And then on top of that I had been petty, bringing in minor gripes that were completely irrelevant to the issue at hand. I even believe that a door may have been slammed. Wow, seriously? That is not me at all. It never has been. Just where did that come from? Actually he had been petty right back. However, there was no question that I had been the one to start it, and I had just stubbornly kept adding fuel to the fire. He had been a little more hesitant in his own pettiness and I had ruthlessly seized on that, and poured out an utter torrent of over-articulated harshness. I had been in one of those crazy irrational moods where I could have picked a fight with the garden wall, and just kept on arguing, even despite knowing just how silly and futile the argument was.
